On making my wife submit: part one

I don’t know how to make my wife submit.

I have to confess this from time to time, most recently to a close friend, slightly older than me, who has a son about to be married. He is a good kid, a seriously good kid – smart, faithful, observant of biblical directive, and unfortunately it is in that third category that he comes up short. In his young relationship, fast approaching marriage, the two love-birds are trying to arc a faithful trajectory for their lives. So, wife-to-be, submit! Easier said than done. He is marrying a Dominator. For those not familiar with the Enneagram a Dominator is known for, well, dominating. ‘Dominating what?’ you might ask.  Anything really - things people, situations; their governance is sure and sometimes terrifying. Where others on the Enneagram - Enthusiasts like me for instance - might be weighing up the cost, considering feelings, Dominators rush in, brandishing weaponry, ready to take names and seal deals.

This conversation was all the more meaningful for I too am married to a Dominator and to be honest, I’ve never really known what to do with the whole submission thing; my wife is not the submissive type. We’ve never had that conversation. I’m too scared. Generally, Christian men married to strong women are quite easy to spot. When they speak about the necessity of their ladies being compliant, they’ve either done it with a little too much assurance – almost as if masking a fear – or with a slightly sheepish look on their faces as if, one word out of place and it might be cold shoulder and hot tongue for lunch; always, without fault, it has happened with other people, men in attendance, witnesses, in other words. If wisdom really prevails, they don’t say anything at all.

I understand that. To encourage my wife to be more submissive would probably include a whip, a chair and a large ring. I say large ring because I would need the space; my wife stands quite low to the ground but, famously, is quick over short distances. I would need room to manoeuvre.

Now make no mistake, I love my wife dearly. Please tell her so if she asks. And our relationship works, I’m not sure why, we don’t think about it that much; come to think of it, that might be why. It works because we are really good friends. Our marriage started with years of friendship – we spoke till the cows came home. We still do. I was chatting to a good friend who is heading towards marriage. I don’t know the guy, so I was quizzing her relentlessly; I’ve known her since I was twelve, she ten, so I have this kind of Big Brother approach to her. Inquisitorially I ask, ‘Tell me about this guy,’ eye-brow raised, is-he-good-enough-for-you reflected in the look. ‘We speak for hours,’ she said. That’s enough for me, couples that start with friendship, speak for hours, in my book, they’re standing on pretty solid ground.

The opening sentence is only partially true. Mary does submit. Sometimes she really wants me to take charge. I’ve learnt (am learning!) that I need to do that sometimes for, to be honest, sometimes I’d rather not. For me to make certain decisions, to act out for the family and to take the lead, brings her great comfort and life. Sometimes, I need her to let me lead, sometimes she needs to shut up and let me lead as I want. I always convey this sentiment very carefully as only a guy can, by saying something along the lines of, ‘Shut up and let me lead’, you know, real nuance-like.

We get by.

I haven’t chatted to the guy yet but if I did, if I was to speak to him, I might say, mate, don’t start with the Bible, start with her. What does she want from you? How would she read that? My guess is, she would like you to take charge of certain things. It will bring her life. (As an aside: if you are following the Bible in ways that don’t bring life to those around you, get a new approach or lose the Bible because you’re just going to manufacture a world of hurt).

Sometimes leading means following, right? If you are good leader of your home, you will soon realise there is some stuff you are rubbish at and that your partner is good at – put your pride in your pocket and support them wholesale even if it is in a field where your gender generally rules the roost.

I can’t put cables from the TV to the DSTv. It’s just a mental block – there could be two cables and two holes and still I will sit for hours in a cold sweat wondering how do I do this?! I should be able to do this, I’m a guy dammit! Mary does this stuff blind-folded, Houdini-like; she snaps for cords that I must deliver in double-quick time, like an apprentice scurrying around a workshop, am I, marvelling at the work of a master craftsman (woman..)

It’s fine. It works. It also gives me more couch time.

Just don’t apply a cookie-cutter approach, mate. The Bible will guide you, but there has never been a relationship exactly like yours. There never will be again. What submission – wife to husband and yes, husband to wife – will look like in your relationship will be absolutely unique, never again replicated in detail. So generic, sweeping statements, broadside bromides sent flying from pulpits in a hysterical attempt to keep everyone marching in lock-step, commands that have to be applied to all people everywhere, be very wary of them. I have found them to be as harmful as helpful.

And above all, just love, love like Jesus and things will fall into place. You see, it’s not really about power, it’s about partnership and partners help each other.

 

Now excuse me, Mary is calling. I think it’s my turn to make tea.